“I think I’m ugly
And nobody wants to love me
Just like her I want to be pretty”
As a regular teenage girl, there are always going to be times where I feel ugly. Times where I’ll deny any form of love I receive. Of course, there are going to be times where I want to be another girl whether she is pretty from the anterior view or she is just an overall beautiful girl inside and out. Looking back on younger Ann, I found myself putting my own damn self through hell. Saying the same things over again, telling myself I was ugly, telling myself no one would love me, and just being jealous over every girl I lay my eyes on. Overall, it’s natural for a girl my age or younger or even older to feel like shit, but in the end… It’s a matter of changing the way you think and just be a better person for you and those around you. Life shouldn’t consist of living through hell because your unsatisfied with yourself.
For most teenagers, the thoughts of their significant other run through one’s mind several of times. For some, those thoughts usually contain things that could make a person light up and feel very blessed. For some, these thoughts contain the worst, “what if they leave”… “what will happen to us”…. or somewhere along the lines of “why do I let them do this to me?”…. However, majority rules that every single person would have a mixture of both. To be frank, it sucks the living day light out of person. Those thoughts have happiness and not being alone, can be easily crushed by just a small negative thought.
:) Today has been a really good day. Thank you to my lovely boyfriend to drop of some green tea latte during art. And my jasmine milk tea after school. Sold things for fashion club and :3 I just had a really good day. I don’t know why but seeing him today of all days just idk. It’s weird :) Today was a good day.
There are always those thoughts. What if I got up and walked away from it all. From us being together. Would you ever come chasing after me? I know it’s stupid for me to say this even thought it recently happened. But would you do it again, after how much I put you through? Am I worth that chase once more? Sure, I do know the answer, you never let me forget that you love me and you will chase after me. I mean you did last time when I got up and wanted to leave… Would you do it once more?
I missed them even though I never pick up most of the time :)
Not many would know this about me but when I look at myself in the mirror… I honestly don’t like what I see. It’s not the fact I think I’m ugly or that I hate myself. I frequently look at myself just to think… I don’t want these eyes. I don’t want to see if another person has to live blind.
When I hear music, when I hear people in general… I zone out as if I’m deaf. As odd and confusing as it may seem, I would put myself into their shoes instead. Not many would notice but I zone out a whole lot. It isn’t for the purpose of having them be irritated but I would want to see how people would react…
Every time I think of myself or I just zone out, it’s usually because I’m thinking of those who have to deal with everything like disabilities… and I think how amazing they all are. Of course I know I can’t help them, but I can admire them so much to the point where I would want to experience it for myself. I might not look like the type who would say this nor just think about it however I do.
Yeah I know I am weird.
He thinks he is clingy. He thinks he is a bad boyfriend. But for the past three months he has been nothing but perfect. Sure we had a rough week but it’s all because of mid-terms. He has been nothing but a perfect boyfriend the whole entire time. I have never felt more comfortable with a person in all my life. It’s everything I like. And apparently my family likes him a lot too =____________=
I don’t know what to do anymore. I honestly don’t I’m so tired and I’m trying so hard to make this work for myself. I just want to walk away from it all. All of the bullshit. I can’t anymore. I honestly can’t.
When high school started I honestly didn’t want to have relationships to form. I thought they were a waste of time and bullshit of lies. However they did. Freshmen year was probably the first time I ever had a taste of what I truly wanted. During sophomore year, everything was just fun and games. Then I met someone who changed my perspective, made me think about what I really wanted, I lost him and I bounced to another person and then to another person. Now, it’s senior year and I completely am “woo-ed” off my feet by a jack ass of a boyfriend whom I adore so dearly. Although it is a high school relationship and it is “impossible” for a relationship that formed in high school to last till “forever”… I want it to last as long as it can. Even when it comes down to it, I’m positive I would never forget how happy I was or in the future still am because of he has done for me now and made me a better person. I was wrong about what relationships could be, it just depends on the person I’m with.
Though we are on different paths now. It’s still safe to say I still love you. As much as I get angry and so frustrated when I see your face, I still love you. The only reason why I won’t come near you is because I have done so much, I have chased after you for so long, and I honestly can’t do it anymore. I don’t hate you. I can never hate you. I know every time we are together it’s a competition of whose better. But honestly? I never found it to be a competition what so ever, why? Because you were already the strongest person I know. But for you to say that your pride is more than what we had does hurt. However, if every time I’m near you and when we talk and in your mind it’s a competition against me. Then… I really don’t want come near nor make your life difficult. I’m still here. And I do miss you like you said. It’s been months and once again we are back to being strangers. To me that is better than nothing.
